Tuesday, February 17, 2009

100 Proof: 10 things you should never do while drinking 8 pints of Guinness and 3 shots of Jameson in 9 hours

1. Take 608 pictures recording the entire evening from 5PM to 2 AM. After reviewing the first 100, you will start repeating the words "Cripes, I don't remember that at all!" more times than a Tibetan monk chants "Om" in a week.

2. Have your own picture taken after midnight. Your face will either look like a clay statue that has started to melt in the heat, or lumpy oatmeal.

3. Whisper. No matter how softly you speak, people will be able to hear you across the street. Go ahead; look out the window. They're waving at you right now.

4. Make any promise to anyone about anything. Seriously. Don’t even start a sentence with the words “I will.” Because you won’t.

5. Forget to use the amount you drank as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Remember that the words, “Did I do that? Oh God, I was so hammered!” are a universally recognized excuse for stupid behavior. They are to stupid behavior what White Out is to legal contracts.

6. Assume that the woman you invited will actually show up. Silly rabbit--she got back with her ex-boyfriend on Valentine's Day.

7. Party at a bar where, in the course of buying a round of shots and 15 beers, you get not one single buy-back. I'm looking at you, Broome Street Tavern.

8. Drunk text a friend in another time zone that All Women Suck because of the woman who never showed up. I mean really. File under M for "More imaginative please, Be." And then cross-file under D for "Different from all other nights, Why is this night."

9. Go to bed without drinking at least two glasses of water and taking 4 Advil. You will wake up three hours later at 5:30 and have to take six Advil with three glasses of water just to stop the fucking Seven Dwarfs from pick-axing your brain cells like they’re a diamond mine.

10. Eat lunch the next day. Your body will go into a food coma that will last until sundown, and you won’t be able to get to sleep again till 3 AM.

1 comment:

amanda said...

ah. this paints a very vivid picture. thanks for sharing your hangover with others! xo