Excerpts from The Right Wing Dictionary: Part 3 of 3

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS, evil noun. 1. Satan's soldier in the culture wars. 2. The chief purveyor of evil in America, forcing federally subsidized pornography under the guise of art. 3. A government agency that gives money to AIDS carriers, homosexuals, lesbians, and actors so they can entertain each other before they have sex.

NORMAL AMERICANS. Those people the Democrats do not represent, listen to, or speak for.

OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, meaningless concept. An America in which success comes to those with the opportunity to make the right connections, go to the right schools, and be born of the right parents.

PATHETIC, adj. Impotent. See DEMOCRAT.

PATRIOTISM, whitened sepulchre. The veneration of the flag over the ideals it stands for; worshipping the symbol and ignoring the message. See JESUS, VENERATION OF.

PERMISSIVE, all-purpose adjective. Against the death penalty and in favor of pre-teen sex, abortion as birth control, and furloughs for rapists and murderers. See DEMOCRAT.

PERVERTED, adj. Advocating mandatory sex with animals. See DEMOCRAT.

POOR PEOPLE, race. 1. Blacks. 2. Sinners. Strictly speaking there is no such thing as poor people in America, merely people who have yet to take advantage of the many opportunities for success which this country, under the Republicans, has to offer. See RICH PEOPLE, OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, and PERMANENT UNDERCLASS.

RELIGION, RIGHT-WING, pleonasm. The majority political party in the United States, crossing all sectarian lines, whose primary goal is to replace the Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments. Members can be easily recognized by how they react to criticism; whenever their political positions are challenged, they invariably accuse their opponents of bigotry. This is not unlike an umpire grabbing the football and then ejecting anybody who tackles him by crying: "Personal foul! Roughing an official!"

RICH PEOPLE, honorary caucasians. 1. The successful. 2. The faithful; the elect. In the economic Calvinism which is the true religion of corporate America, success and failure in this life (and the next) are predetermined by the size of your bank account. Strictly speaking there is no such thing as rich people in America, merely people who have taken full advantage of the glorious opportunities for success which this country, under the Republicans, has to offer. See POOR PEOPLE, OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, and ROYALTY.

TRADITIONAL VALUES. The perfect ideals of a nonexistent past. These values are most often found in old television shows, modern translations of the Pentateuch, and Normal Rockwell paintings. The current battle cry of their defenders is: "Archie and Jughead, not Beavis and Butthead!" Which tells you how behind the times these people are.

TRAITOR, slur. 1. One who betrays the principle of exclusion that is the foundation of America's middle-class values. 2. Democrat.

UNBORN, THE, biological impossibility. Embryonic conservatives; an endangered species. The word "unborn" (which is technically an un-noun) is not to be confused with the word "undead." The unborn are future Republican voters; the undead are Republicans who keep looking for the next Ronald Reagan.

UNWED MOTHERS, collective noun. Black females.

WELFARE, scam. Money stolen from your pocket in order to pay black women to sit around and do nothing but breed the next generation of muggers and rapists.

WELFARE QUEEN, cherished myth. A woman who uses her monthly food stamps to buy a Mercedes.

WELFARE STATE, dystopia. America under the Democrats. The new Communism.

Excerpts from The Right Wing Dictionary: Part 2 of 3

ELITE, slur. A word used to describe people who think they know better than normal Americans by people who make more money in a month than normal Americans will ever see in a lifetime.

ELITE MEDIA. All networks except Fox News.

EMPOWERMENT, euphemism. 1. Voluntary segregation. 2. Lowered expectations. As in, "We must replace affirmative action with empowerment."

EQUALITY. White supremacy.

FAMILY VALUES. Do as I say, not as I do. Clean your plate. Kiss all your relatives. Thou shalt not offend against the notions of thy neighbors.

FEMINIST, profanity. 1. Lesbian female. 2. Pussy-whipped male.

FLAG, sacred noun. The cloth equivalent of Baby Jesus.

GOD, political concept. The true author of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, who speaks to and through Republican Presidents, Republican strategists, and televangelists who have their own cable channels.

GOOD CITIZEN, euphemism. 1. Salaried employee. 2. One who rejoices when his problems are blamed on a scapegoat and his discontent is satisfied with a leisure product.

GOOD PUBLIC POLICY, euphemism. Whatever supports the values of the Republican Party. See SELF-PROMOTION.

HONEST DIALOGUE, contradiction in terms. A two-part process in which you listen and I talk, and then I get to talk while you listen.

LIBERAL, adj. Atheist. See DEMOCRAT.

LIFESTYLE, abomination. Any and all social activity or personal behavior prohibited either directly or in translation by the Bible.

MALAISE. 1. Self-doubt. 2. Impotence. The word conjures up the Dark Ages of the American civilization, when a small coterie of Allah-worshipping thugs held this country hostage, and we just sat there and let them do it. See CARTER, JIMMY.

MEDIA, archaism. See ELITE MEDIA.

MIDDLE-CLASS VALUES, agenda. Women in the kitchen, men in at least one dead-end job, girls behind the counter, and boys in the Armed Services. The use of the term implies support for a male-dominated social structure, reduced rights for women and ethnic groups, all-white cities and suburbs, blaming the Japanese for making us drop the A-Bomb, and replacing the Constitution with the Old Testament. See RELIGION, RIGHT-WING.

MONEY, verb. 1. God. 2. Power. 3. That which allows its owner to take advantage of the Bill of Rights, the justice system, tax loopholes, and single women on first dates.

Excerpts from The Right Wing Dictionary: Part 1 of 3

ACTIVIST, noun. Anti-corporate rabble-rouser. The only known cure for activism is a seat on a Fortune 500 board.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, plot. 1. A scheme sponsored by the Democrats to give your job to a black gay woman on crack. 2. The giving of what you have earned through work and merit to someone who lives on welfare and entitlements. It is an article of Republican faith that this happens at least 100% of the time. 3. The constant righting of a nonexistent wrong. It is an article of Republican faith that affirmative action became unnecessary with the first reading of the Emancipation Proclamation.

AMERICAN PEOPLE, collective noun. 1. The imaginary common man who is the embodiment of a nation of individuals who have nothing in common. An all-powerful beast who is always enraged. 2. A collection of ignorant and meddlesome outsiders in the business of running the country. The bewildered herd. Like sports fans, they think they know the game better than the managers, and constantly complain that money has corrupted everything connected with the playing field. And, like sports fans, they will do nothing about it. 3. Special interests. When used by Republican Senators, the term "American people" always means those corporations who have given them money. When used by Republican Congressmen, the term means those to whom they owe favors. When used by the elite media, the term means other reporters.

ANTI-FAMILY, slur. Closet homosexual.

ANTI-FLAG, slur. Closet Arab terrorist.

BALANCED BUDGET, wet dream. Any budget in which the money allotted to the Pentagon is exactly equal to the combined total of money allotted to everything else.

BIPARTISANSHIP, variable noun. 1. In a Democratic administration, whatever diminishes my stature as Senate minority leader and a potential President. 2. In a Republican administration, Democratic support for legislation that promotes good public policy 3. Mutual self-preservation. When two parties close ranks to defeat a common enemy, or preserve a privilege, or maintain a monopoly. The Wolf of self-devotion in the Sheep's Clothing of cooperation.

BITCH, pejorative noun. Feminist.

BIZARRE, adj. Dressing up in women's clothes. See DEMOCRAT.

CAPITAL GAINS TAX, sin. Soaking the rich. Taxing the successful for their success.

CAPITAL GAINS INCREASE, unthinkable. In corporate mythology, the four most depressing words in the English language. In reality, the four most depressing words in the English language are: "CATS--Now And Forever."

CARTER, JIMMY. The Great Scapegoat. The epitome of the pussy-whipped, appeasing, confused, Liberal wimp. Bill Clinton's spiritual father.

CHOICE, obsolete noun. A woman's right to do whatever her husband or her employer says. In the Republican party, the word "choice" has nothing at all to do with the elite media's usage of the word (to mean a woman's control over her own body), since in Republican dogma a woman's body is automatically the property of anyone rich enough to afford to feed it, clothe it, and make it pregnant. Occasionally, the word "choice" may appear to be used by Republican men, and even Republican women, in its elite media usage; but this is to be regarded as politically motivated, and therefore non-binding, rather like the verbal equivalent of a handshake from Adolf Hitler.

CIVILITY, virtue. Docility. Usually employed to mean a return to a time when people denied a voice in this country willingly kept their mouths shut about things they didn't like.

CIVILIZATION, code word. The American Way of life. The embodiment of American civilization is the Puritan vision of the City On The Hill, where the government's existence is divinely inspired, the military's belligerence is richly deserved, and the corporation's actions are morally justified. See MIDDLE-CLASS VALUES.

CLASS, non-permitted concept. The lust that dare not speak its name. The dirty secret in the dark bedroom of the American soul. The reason class is not recognized as a valid subject when discussing American society is twofold. First, thanks to the tireless efforts of the upper-class, most Americans buy into the myth that their country is a classless society. And second, because of the ease with which true class can be obtained. See MONEY.

CLINTON, slur. Satan. The male of the species is a fornicating liar; the female alternately a spineless prevaricator or a ball-busting bull-dyke. Both members of the species think that they are God's gift to the universe, and share the same belief about national elections that the New York Yankees have about the World Series, namely, if they're not in it, then it didn't happen.

COMPASSION, noun. Contempt. As in, "I have nothing but compassion for the poor."

COUNTERCULTURE, slur. Originally used to describe a group of under-thirty activists who once tried to raise the Pentagon through the power of prayer. Currently used to describe anyone in public service who is in favor of razing the Pentagon and replacing it with a star-shaped forest of marijuana.

CRIMINALS, collective noun. Black males.

DEMOCRACY, oligarchy. In the 18th century, rule by property owners. In the 20th century, corporate rule through the election of its off-the-books employees.

DEMOCRACY, FRUITS OF. Corporate profits.

DEMOCRATS. The Jews and Roman Catholics of American politics. When they aren't feeling guilty about who they are, they feel guilty about what they've done.

DEVIANT, adj. Child-molester. See DEMOCRAT.

DISENFRANCHISED, adjective. What a white man feels when his boss is a woman, his co-workers are black, and his bartender is gay.