Thursday, August 14, 2008

Excerpts from The Right Wing Dictionary: Part 3 of 3

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS, evil noun. 1. Satan's soldier in the culture wars. 2. The chief purveyor of evil in America, forcing federally subsidized pornography under the guise of art. 3. A government agency that gives money to AIDS carriers, homosexuals, lesbians, and actors so they can entertain each other before they have sex.

NORMAL AMERICANS. Those people the Democrats do not represent, listen to, or speak for.

OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, meaningless concept. An America in which success comes to those with the opportunity to make the right connections, go to the right schools, and be born of the right parents.

PATHETIC, adj. Impotent. See DEMOCRAT.

PATRIOTISM, whitened sepulchre. The veneration of the flag over the ideals it stands for; worshipping the symbol and ignoring the message. See JESUS, VENERATION OF.

PERMISSIVE, all-purpose adjective. Against the death penalty and in favor of pre-teen sex, abortion as birth control, and furloughs for rapists and murderers. See DEMOCRAT.

PERVERTED, adj. Advocating mandatory sex with animals. See DEMOCRAT.

POOR PEOPLE, race. 1. Blacks. 2. Sinners. Strictly speaking there is no such thing as poor people in America, merely people who have yet to take advantage of the many opportunities for success which this country, under the Republicans, has to offer. See RICH PEOPLE, OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, and PERMANENT UNDERCLASS.

RELIGION, RIGHT-WING, pleonasm. The majority political party in the United States, crossing all sectarian lines, whose primary goal is to replace the Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments. Members can be easily recognized by how they react to criticism; whenever their political positions are challenged, they invariably accuse their opponents of bigotry. This is not unlike an umpire grabbing the football and then ejecting anybody who tackles him by crying: "Personal foul! Roughing an official!"

RICH PEOPLE, honorary caucasians. 1. The successful. 2. The faithful; the elect. In the economic Calvinism which is the true religion of corporate America, success and failure in this life (and the next) are predetermined by the size of your bank account. Strictly speaking there is no such thing as rich people in America, merely people who have taken full advantage of the glorious opportunities for success which this country, under the Republicans, has to offer. See POOR PEOPLE, OPPORTUNITY SOCIETY, and ROYALTY.

TRADITIONAL VALUES. The perfect ideals of a nonexistent past. These values are most often found in old television shows, modern translations of the Pentateuch, and Normal Rockwell paintings. The current battle cry of their defenders is: "Archie and Jughead, not Beavis and Butthead!" Which tells you how behind the times these people are.

TRAITOR, slur. 1. One who betrays the principle of exclusion that is the foundation of America's middle-class values. 2. Democrat.

UNBORN, THE, biological impossibility. Embryonic conservatives; an endangered species. The word "unborn" (which is technically an un-noun) is not to be confused with the word "undead." The unborn are future Republican voters; the undead are Republicans who keep looking for the next Ronald Reagan.

UNWED MOTHERS, collective noun. Black females.

WELFARE, scam. Money stolen from your pocket in order to pay black women to sit around and do nothing but breed the next generation of muggers and rapists.

WELFARE QUEEN, cherished myth. A woman who uses her monthly food stamps to buy a Mercedes.

WELFARE STATE, dystopia. America under the Democrats. The new Communism.

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