Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Excerpts from The Right Wing Dictionary: Part 1 of 3

ACTIVIST, noun. Anti-corporate rabble-rouser. The only known cure for activism is a seat on a Fortune 500 board.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, plot. 1. A scheme sponsored by the Democrats to give your job to a black gay woman on crack. 2. The giving of what you have earned through work and merit to someone who lives on welfare and entitlements. It is an article of Republican faith that this happens at least 100% of the time. 3. The constant righting of a nonexistent wrong. It is an article of Republican faith that affirmative action became unnecessary with the first reading of the Emancipation Proclamation.

AMERICAN PEOPLE, collective noun. 1. The imaginary common man who is the embodiment of a nation of individuals who have nothing in common. An all-powerful beast who is always enraged. 2. A collection of ignorant and meddlesome outsiders in the business of running the country. The bewildered herd. Like sports fans, they think they know the game better than the managers, and constantly complain that money has corrupted everything connected with the playing field. And, like sports fans, they will do nothing about it. 3. Special interests. When used by Republican Senators, the term "American people" always means those corporations who have given them money. When used by Republican Congressmen, the term means those to whom they owe favors. When used by the elite media, the term means other reporters.

ANTI-FAMILY, slur. Closet homosexual.

ANTI-FLAG, slur. Closet Arab terrorist.

BALANCED BUDGET, wet dream. Any budget in which the money allotted to the Pentagon is exactly equal to the combined total of money allotted to everything else.

BIPARTISANSHIP, variable noun. 1. In a Democratic administration, whatever diminishes my stature as Senate minority leader and a potential President. 2. In a Republican administration, Democratic support for legislation that promotes good public policy 3. Mutual self-preservation. When two parties close ranks to defeat a common enemy, or preserve a privilege, or maintain a monopoly. The Wolf of self-devotion in the Sheep's Clothing of cooperation.

BITCH, pejorative noun. Feminist.

BIZARRE, adj. Dressing up in women's clothes. See DEMOCRAT.

CAPITAL GAINS TAX, sin. Soaking the rich. Taxing the successful for their success.

CAPITAL GAINS INCREASE, unthinkable. In corporate mythology, the four most depressing words in the English language. In reality, the four most depressing words in the English language are: "CATS--Now And Forever."

CARTER, JIMMY. The Great Scapegoat. The epitome of the pussy-whipped, appeasing, confused, Liberal wimp. Bill Clinton's spiritual father.

CHOICE, obsolete noun. A woman's right to do whatever her husband or her employer says. In the Republican party, the word "choice" has nothing at all to do with the elite media's usage of the word (to mean a woman's control over her own body), since in Republican dogma a woman's body is automatically the property of anyone rich enough to afford to feed it, clothe it, and make it pregnant. Occasionally, the word "choice" may appear to be used by Republican men, and even Republican women, in its elite media usage; but this is to be regarded as politically motivated, and therefore non-binding, rather like the verbal equivalent of a handshake from Adolf Hitler.

CIVILITY, virtue. Docility. Usually employed to mean a return to a time when people denied a voice in this country willingly kept their mouths shut about things they didn't like.

CIVILIZATION, code word. The American Way of life. The embodiment of American civilization is the Puritan vision of the City On The Hill, where the government's existence is divinely inspired, the military's belligerence is richly deserved, and the corporation's actions are morally justified. See MIDDLE-CLASS VALUES.

CLASS, non-permitted concept. The lust that dare not speak its name. The dirty secret in the dark bedroom of the American soul. The reason class is not recognized as a valid subject when discussing American society is twofold. First, thanks to the tireless efforts of the upper-class, most Americans buy into the myth that their country is a classless society. And second, because of the ease with which true class can be obtained. See MONEY.

CLINTON, slur. Satan. The male of the species is a fornicating liar; the female alternately a spineless prevaricator or a ball-busting bull-dyke. Both members of the species think that they are God's gift to the universe, and share the same belief about national elections that the New York Yankees have about the World Series, namely, if they're not in it, then it didn't happen.

COMPASSION, noun. Contempt. As in, "I have nothing but compassion for the poor."

COUNTERCULTURE, slur. Originally used to describe a group of under-thirty activists who once tried to raise the Pentagon through the power of prayer. Currently used to describe anyone in public service who is in favor of razing the Pentagon and replacing it with a star-shaped forest of marijuana.

CRIMINALS, collective noun. Black males.

DEMOCRACY, oligarchy. In the 18th century, rule by property owners. In the 20th century, corporate rule through the election of its off-the-books employees.

DEMOCRACY, FRUITS OF. Corporate profits.

DEMOCRATS. The Jews and Roman Catholics of American politics. When they aren't feeling guilty about who they are, they feel guilty about what they've done.

DEVIANT, adj. Child-molester. See DEMOCRAT.

DISENFRANCHISED, adjective. What a white man feels when his boss is a woman, his co-workers are black, and his bartender is gay.

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