Thursday, March 13, 2008

Parsing Spitzer (sounds dirty, doesn't it?)

So, with all the brouhaha about Eliot Spitzer getting his end wet in a swimming pool of call girls, I have yet to see anybody translate his two statements from Lying Weasel into Everyday English. Which is why I dragged out my New Collegiate Lying Weasel and Everyday English Dictionary and did it for you.

The first speech (translation in red):

"Today I want to briefly address a private matter.”

This has nothing to do with me being the Governor of New York.

“I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family and violates my, or any, sense of right and wrong.”

I did not do anything wrong; I just did something that might possibly be construed as violating somebody’s sense of right and wrong.

“I apologize first and most importantly to my family.”

Since I didn’t so anything wrong, I have nothing to apologize for.

“I apologize to the public, whom I promised better.”

Nothing at all to apologize for.

"I do not believe that politics in the long run is about individuals.”

I believe that politics, in the short run, is about survival.

“It is about ideas, the public good, and doing what is best for the state of New York.”

And the best thing for the state of New York right now? Keeping me on as Governor.

“But I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself.”

I didn’t break any laws, I just failed to live up to a standard.

“I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family.”

My wife is going to kill me.

"I will not be taking questions.”

-- Because then I might actually have to admit something.

“Thank you very much. I will report back to you in short order. Thank you very much."

I’m going to go home now and hope this all blows over. No pun intended.

And the resignation speech:

"In the past few days I've begun to atone for my private failings with my wife, Silda, my children and my entire family."

Nobody in my family is talking to me.

"The remorse I feel will always be with me."

This should be punishment enough.

“Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me.”

I wish the fucking press had as much compassion.

"From those to whom much is given, much is expected."

And when you give someone 4 grand for sex, you expect to get royally fucked. And here I am.

"I have been given much — the love of my family, the faith and trust of the people of New York, and the chance to lead this state."

And I threw it all away for a blow job while listening to classical music.

"I am deeply sorry I did not live up to what was expected of me."

It’s all Silda’s fault for expecting me to be a faithful husband.

"To every New Yorker, and to all those who believed in what I tried to stand for, I sincerely apologize."

You can’t beat me! I’m Charles Foster Kane!!!

"I look at my time as governor with a sense of what might have been, but I also know that as a public servant, I and the remarkable people with whom I worked have accomplished a great deal."

Blah blah blah legacy.

"There is much more to be done and I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt the people's work."

Since you fucking people won’t stop talking about this, you give me no fucking choice.

"Over the course of my public life I have insisted, I believe correctly, that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct."

I am a total fucking hypocrite.

"I can and will ask no less of myself."

A total fucking sado-masochistic hypocrite.

"For this reason I am resigning from the office of governor, and at Lt. Gov. David Paterson's request, the resignation will be effective on Monday, March 17, a date that he believes will permit an orderly transition."

Are you happy now, Bruno?

"I go forward with the belief, as others have said, that as human beings our greatest glory consists not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."

Charles Foster KA-A-A-A-A-ANE!!!!!!!!

"As I leave public life, I will first do what I need to do to help and heal myself and my family, then I will try once again, outside of politics, to serve the common good and to move toward the ideals and solutions which I believe can build a future of hope and opportunity for us and for our children."

Once my wife divorces me, I’m joining a law firm.

"I hope all of New York will join my prayers for my friend, David Paterson, as he embarks on his new mission and I thank the public once again for the privilege of service."

Since I’ve totally tarnished the Democratic Party for the next 20 years, David Paterson doesn't have a fucking prayer.

"Thank you very much."

This is all your fault.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed your "breakdown" of the speeches. I'm still laughing.