The 20 Rules for Sadness and Depression

(from The Art of Unhappiness, by the Dull-eyed Lama)

1. Remember that failure and disappointment always result from taking a risk.
2. When you lose, don't forget to forget the lesson.
3. The loser you are at work, is the loser you are in life.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is the natural order of things.
5. Learn the rules so you can use them as an excuse.
6. Always let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to repeat it.
8. Avoid thoughtfulness like the plague.
9. Open your arms to change. Then duck.
10. Remember that silence is never an option.
11. Never let values interfere with the satisfaction of a fleeting desire.
12. A tense atmosphere in the home is the foundation of an unsuccessful life.
13. At least once a year, make plans to go somewhere you've never been before, and then cancel them at the last minute.
14. Remember that the most fulfilling relationship for the truly depressed is one in which need masquerades as love.
15. We are only truly alive when we make ourselves suffer.
16. We are even more alive when we make other people suffer, which is why everyone gets married and has children.
17. Love is like a scorpion. If you can hold it without being stung, then it's dead.
18. Compassion breeds resentment.
19. The best way to reduce conflict is to internalize it so you get cancer.
20. When in doubt, do nothing; when called upon to speak, complain; when asked, make an excuse.