Well hey there, USA –- how do you do?
So glad ta meetcha; can I call you U?
I tell you there, this is my kind of race –-
I win if I don’t fall flat on my face.
So here I am propped up by tons of notes
Rock-bottom guaranteed to get me votes.
I can’t think straight, but I can memorize,
And that’s the way I’m gonna win this prize.
I’ll talk like I’m a guest star on Hee Haw,
Tell wholesome stories about maw and paw,
Name check the dictator of North Korea
(Though where that is, gosh, I have no idea).
You ask me anything you want and I
Will answer what I feel like in reply.
If this was SAT’S, I’d score a 3.
But it’s the vote! I LOVE Democracy!
So what if I can’t think past “How de do?”
Darn right I’m using cue cards. Wouldn’t you?
That PROVES I’m just a normal local gal.
I wouldn’t be a pol -- I’ll be a pal!
And I’ll be watching out in Washington
For everything that’s Main Street and homespun
And you can bet that I will always do
The same as you, and you -- and even you.
Hey -- just to let you know I’m patriotic?
My flag pin's so humungous, it’s hypnotic!
If I looked bad before, then blame the media –-
I’m just a blurb, not an encyclopedia.
They ambushed me with questions. That's not fair.
And then they showed my answers on the air!
If I had known, then heck, I would have skipped it.
They censored me –- they let me talk unscripted!
Of course I had to stumble, pause and stammer --
That Couric girl used sentences with grammar.
Well Moms like me hate smart talk in abundance.
We know the score here, not like all you pundints.
We know what you want –- you don’t want to think.
So here’s a talking point or two. (Wink. Wink.)
A war that’s nucular is really bad.
When bombs go off it’s messy and it’s sad;
The be-all end-all of some people there.
(But then there’ll be The Rapture, so that’s fair.)
Joe Biden and Obama? Just the worst.
Elect them and the USA is curst.
What they’ll do to this country is obscene.
They’re full of Shiite, folks. (Know what I mean?)
And gosh, those Castro Brothers –- what a pair!
(But not the pair on John McCain -- so there!)
The issues, now -- well golly, they don’t matter.
It’s not the substance, it’s the line of patter.
Americans, they crave that straight talk there:
The surge. Change. Lower taxes. God. School prayer.
Iran is Satan. Must win in Iraq.
Wall Street, you’re getting such a paddywhack.
I could say more (that list is just the peaks)
But jeez, I’ve only done this for five weeks!
And gosh, I think I’m pretty darn good at it!
(Unlike old Joe here –- watch him bureaucrat it.)
I’ll tell ya how this great debate computes:
It’s Zoolander with hockey moms and coots!
McCain and I will rock like Ike and Tina!
We’ll take the world by storm –- just like Katrina!
And if we lose, don’t make no nevermine --
I’ll have a show on Fox by March ’09.
Posts in this series:
The First Debate