Eighteen Things I Said To Myself This Morning

1. OMFG I just slept through my alarm, and I'm an hour late for work!

2. Kill me now.

3. Why are my ankles clicking like a geiger counter?

4. God my head hurts.

5. The great thing about drinking six vodka martinis and two0 Cosmos instead of six pints of Guinness is that, when you wake up after three hours of sleep, only your head hurts.

6. The bad this is you sleep through your alarm clock.

7. A litre of Smart Water and four Advil: the breakfast of champions.

8. The breakfast of champions only stays in your stomach for three subway stops.

9. Why is it the only two times of day I feel energized to write is just before I have to go to work in the morning and just before I have to go to sleep at night?

10. I wonder if you-know-who will call me today?

11. Matthew's Theory of Aging: if you stop keeping count, the universe will follow suit. Sort of the reverse of "as above, so below." It certainly worked for the ten years I never wore a watch. I think I only aged about three months. But then I was also playing a lot of GameBoy, thinking about the future, and writing about five times as much as I am these days--all of which activities are designed to make you lose track of time.

12. Matthew's Second Law of Time: the more you lose track of time, the more Time loses track of you.

13. Matthew's First Law of Time? It always takes longer than you think.

14. This train ride is taking forever. By the time it's over I'll be 60.

15. When my father was 60, I was 33.

16. When my father was 55, I was 28.

17. There was a 28-year-old girl at the bar last night.

18. God my head hurts.