Thursday, July 5, 2007

Dinner With Competitive Friends

“This is what he does 24/7: He is a competitive eater; that’s his occupation.”
-- 2007 hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut
on the 2006 champion, Takeru Kobayashi

To the surprise of no one, the winner of the 2007 Oom Galla Galla Competition was once again a Presidential candidate. Named after a famous joke about Native Americans, the North Dakota contest has become a quadrennial rite in the political life of aspirants to the White House, and this year was no exception, drawing over two dozen declared and undeclared candidates, most of whom were left in the rhetorical dust when Senator Hillary Clinton clocked in at over twenty meaningless buzz words per sentence. This torrid pace far outstripped her closest competitor, ex-Mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani, who basically said nothing but “9/11” for ninety minutes straight. Senator Clinton’s victory also came as no surprise to her husband William. “This is what she does 24/7,” he said. “She’s a competitive bloviator; that’s her occupation.”

Plans for CourtTV’s new reality show, “So You Want To Be A Serial Killer,” were put on hold today after series star and renowned mass murderer John Jacob Loomis was arrested by Miami police at the scene of his latest atrocity and charged with 147 counts of murder. Loomis, who has won the Gacey Invitation for five years straight, was held without bail under a new Florida law which disallows the so-called Fox Exemption for spree-killers who commit murder on-camera. While Loomis himself refused to comment on the arrest, his press agent released a statement claiming that the arrest is “a slippery slope, at the end of which competitive hit-and-run drivers may be arrested for running over little old ladies, competitive slumlords may be held without bail for freezing their tenants to death by shutting off the heat in winter, and competitive White House aides convicted of lying and obstruction of justice might actually have their prison time reduced or even eliminated by a Presidential pardon.”

In an upset victory, Austrian Dieter Roland won this year’s Einstein Memorial 50K by setting a world’s record time of 45 seconds for creating 50 units of kinetic energy (K) while contemplating the test question, “How many Frenchmen can’t be wrong?” Herr Rohan’s wife Else, who feeds him intravenously, cuts his hair, and spends her spare time trying to get a reaction out of him, was not surprised by her husband’s victory. “This is what he does 24/7,” she explained. “He’s a competitive thinker.” When reminded that trying to get a reaction out of your husband makes you not much different from most wives, Frau Rohan laughed and replied, “Well, most husbands don’t get paid for being distant and unreachable, do they, dear? Dear? Dieter? I’m talking to you, Dieter. Dieter, will you at least for once acknowledge that I’m talking to you? Dieter? Oh no. Oh no. Don’t you dare give me that ‘I’m competing’ look or I’ll tell everybody in the world all the thoughtless things you do when you ‘think’ I’m not looking. Do you hear me, Dieter?”

Facing fierce competition from the Fox Network, the entire Bush Administration, and the autobiographical writings of Henry Kissinger, Republican spokesmodel Ann Coulter won this year’s Richard Nixon Invitational last night by lying continuously for twelve straight hours without a break until she finally admitted: "I'm a competitive liar; this is what I do 24/7." Beginning her acceptance speech with the words “I am so much smarter than anyone in this room, and stop groping me, O'Reilly,” Ms. Coulter continued to lie repeatedly until she was gagged with a hot dog by second-place finisher Richard Cheney, who competed as Vice President, as the President of the Senate, and as a private citizen who can’t break a ten without swearing that you just gave him a five. Because Ms. Coulter’s jaws continued to move even after the initial frankfurter was shoved down her stupid throat, it took 74 more hot dogs in the space of ten minutes to finally shut her up, which was a first and a world record at the same time.

No comments: