Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Despite what you might have read in high school science class, alchemy still exists, and is practiced on a daily basis in a magical place called Hollywood. It also works perfectly -- except that instead of turning lead into gold, it does exactly the opposite. It takes a clever TV show starring Patrick MacNee and Diana Rigg and turns it into a movie which Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman keep erasing from their résumé. And it takes a brilliant comic book by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill and turns it into a movie that could fertilize the Sahara.

How good is the comic book? Volume 3 of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (The Black Dossier) comes out tomorrow, and according to an article in Time Magazine (of all farging places), it contains the following Orwellian disclaimer on its opening page:


Docs after in oldspeak. Untruth, make-ups only. Make-ups make THOUGHTCRIME. Careful. Supervisor rank or not read. This warn you. THOUGHTCRIME in docs after. SEXCRIME in docs after. Careful. If self excited, report. If other excited, report. Everything report. Withhold accurate report is INFOCRIME. This warn you. Are you authorised, if no stop read now! Make report! If fail make report, is INFOCRIME. Make report. If report made on failing to make report, this paradox. Paradox is LOGICRIME. Do not do anything. Do not fail to do anything. This warn you. Why you nervous? Was it you? We know. IMPORTANT: Do not read next sentence. This sentence for official inspect only. Now look. Now don't. Now look. Now don't. Careful. Everything not banned compulsory. Everything not compulsory banned. Views expressed within not necessarily those of publisher, editors, writers, characters. You did it. We know. This warn you.

That is gold, folks.

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