Sunday, July 8, 2012

Before Rosebud

The following press release was issued this morning by Time Warner Entertainment:

This summer, Time Warner will begin filming all-new movies expanding on the classic film CITIZEN KANE. As highly anticipated as they are controversial, the five inter-connected sequel, prequel, and interquel films will build on the foundation of the original CITIZEN KANE, judged by many film critics to be the greatest movie ever made.  BEFORE ROSEBUD will be the collective banner for all five films.

“It’s our responsibility as scavengers to find new ways to keep all of our corporate-owned characters relevant,” said Time Warner executive producer Dank Vidio. “After almost a century, the cast of Citizen Kane is a group of classic characters whose time has come for new stories to be told. Which is why we sought out the best writers and directors in the industry to piss on the original.”

“The original film of Citizen Kane is the complete story that Orson Welles and my grandfather wanted to tell,” said Ben Mankiewicz, grandson of Kane co-author Herman Mankiewicz and co-host of Turner Classic Movies.  “However, I appreciate Time Warner’s reasons for this initiative and completely understand the motivations of the directors and writers who are publicly saying that they are just paying tribute to my grandfather’s work.  May these totally unnecessary films have the success they deserve.”

“Under the benevolent eyes of an army of executive producers with no talent at all, the individual vision of Welles and Mankiewicz is in the best hands possible,”  said Vidio.  “As filmmakers, we’d be remiss not to expand upon and explore these characters and their stories.  We’re committed to being an industry leader, which means making bold creative moves.  And there's nothing bolder or more creative than making sequels and prequels to a classic motion picture.  When you have a product like Citizen Kane that is as worldwide known as it is, and the fact that there are millions of DVD’s of it out there, we wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we didn’t go out and say, ‘Is there other ways (sic) we can grow new material from this?’  Because, in the end, original and unique works of art exist as great wonderful springboards for franchises, intellectual properties, and ancillary merchandise.”

The five films are:

The Girl In The White Dress. 
“Love.  It’s the only disease you never look forward to being cured of.”  An old businessman muses on the love of his life, whom he saw for a split-second in his youth, and then stalked for the next 50 years.  With Scarlett Johansson in the title role, and Dustin Hoffman as Bernstein.  Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Em and Jed.
The untold story of the romance between Jedediah Leland and Emily Monroe Norton.  With Tom Hanks as Old Jedediah, Meryl Streep as Old Emily, Grace Gummer as young Emily, and John Cusack as Young Jed.  Directed by Stephen Frears.

In Xanadu: The Secret History of a House. 
A young female blogger finds the long-lost secret diary of Jerry Thompson, the reporter in charge of finding out the meaning of Kane's last word, "Rosebud".  By following the clues hidden in his journal entries, she uncovers the hidden passageways in Kane’s old house which reveal its terrifying history.  Starring Jennifer Lawrence as the blogger.  Screenplay by Stephen King and Joe Hill.  Directed by Guillermo del Toro.

The Three Jakes.
The rise and fall of Jim Gettys, as told through the eyes of his son Jake at three points in Jake's life: his 20's in New York, his 70’s in Las Vegas, and his 30’s in LA, where he changed the spelling of his last name to Gittes and became a detective.  With Jack Nicholson as Jim Gettys and Leonardo di Caprio as all three Jakes.  Screenplay by Robert Towne.  Directed by Stephen Soderbergh.

The Two Mrs. Kanes
After faking her death in a car crash, Emily Monroe Norton Kane takes her son and moves to Pine Valley, Pennsylvania, where she marries the chief of staff at the local hospital.  But her past comes back to haunt her when Susan Alexander Kane comes to sing at a hospital benefit and recognizes her.  With Meg Ryan as Susan Alexander  Kane, and  Meryl Streep as Emily Monroe Norton Kane/Phoebe English Tyler Wallingford Matthews Wallingford.  Originally slated to be directed by Nora Ephron; currently unattached.


Vincent Park said...

Drop dead funny

Molly said...

I am so gullible. I started to boil and steam and then realized....I am so gullible. Abo-frigging-lutely hilarious. Mind you, some of these don't sound half bad....