The Tom Wrench Blues

"This is for not being Arthur Miller, loser."

I gave my agent something clever.
He said, “I just don’t see the heart.”
I gave my agent something clever.
He said, “I just can’t see the heart.
You need to write with more emotion
And not say, ‘Look at me -- I’m smart!’”

I gave my agent something heartfelt.
He said, “What is this piece of shit?”
I gave my agent something heartfelt.
He said, “What is this pile of shit?
You just can’t spill your guts on paper --
You have to vomit with some wit.”

I sent my agent something witty.
He said, “The characters aren’t real.”
I sent my agent something witty.
He said, “The characters? Not real.
All clever dialogue is shallow
Unless you show us how they feel.”

I gave my agent kitchen drama.
He said, “The room is not a house.”
I gave my agent kitchen drama.
He said, “The room is not the house.
We need to see another level --
Show me the fashion, not the blouse.”

I gave my agent plays with levels.
He said, “There’s too much going on.”
I gave my agent plays with levels.
He said, “Way too much going on.
You only need to build a statue
And not the fucking Parthenon.”

I gave my agent Casablanca.
He said, “You gotta change the end.”
I gave my agent Casablanca.
He said, “You have to change the end.
It’s really gay to give up Ilsa
And make Renault Rick’s special friend.”

I gave my agent Waiting for Godot.
He said, “It’s trash -- that’s my review.”
I gave my agent Waiting for Godot.
He said, “It’s crap -- that’s my review.
You can’t have someone in the title
Who doesn’t show up in Act Two.”

I sent my agent seven one-acts,
Three screenplays and two one-man shows.
I sent my agent seven one-acts,
Three screenplays and two one-man shows.
He said, “You really do have talent.
Why don’t you try to write in prose?”

I sent my agent seven stories,
Two novels and three short essays.
I sent my agent seven stories,
Two novels and three short essays.
He said, “They just don’t do it for me.
Why can’t you turn them into plays?”

I fired my agent with a letter.
Told him: “You can go to hell.”
I fired my agent with a letter.
Told him: “You can go to hell.”
He said, “Too bad you’re not my client
‘Cause this is something I could sell.”


Copyright 2009 Matthew J Wells