LEGITIMATE AMERICAN: A white man with money.
LEGITIMATE ELECTION: Any election in which the Democratic candidate is defeated.
LEGITIMATE WAR: Any war based on the existence of undiscovered weapons of mass destruction.
LEGITIMATE MARRIAGE: Any heterosexual union between one female and one male, with one mistress on the side.
LEGITIMATE INFIDELITY: Any adulterous relationship which results in a second or third marriage.
LEGITIMATE RACISM: Anything involving Arabs.
LEGITIMATE SCIENCE: Only those things which can be supported by quoting the Bible.
LEGITIMATE FACTS: Whatever I’m saying now--not what I just said--okay?
LEGITIMATE RELIGION: Christianity.
LEGITIMATE EXCUSE: “The elite Liberal media have it in for me.”
LEGITIMATE LAWS: See LEGITIMATE SCIENCE.
LEGITIMATE MURDER: Any gun-related homicide which causes a gun control backlash.
LEGITIMATE FEMINIST: A trophy wife with at least two children and one nanny.
LEGITIMATE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: See LEGITIMATE AMERICAN.