Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Guide to Guys: See what you made me do?

In case you missed it, yesterday was Boobquake 2010 -- a totally scientific experiment initiated by blogger Jen McCreight designed to verify the statements made in this article:

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

And what was that experiment? Quoting from Jen's blog:

Sedighi claims that not dressing modestly causes earthquakes. If so, we should be able to test this claim scientifically. [ . . .]

Time for a Boobquake.

On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own. Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that's your preferred form of immodesty. With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake. . .

Well, we're all still here (or at least I am; did the earth move for you?), and outside of an earthquake near Taiwan, I can't see any other evidence of tit-based tectonic movement in the last 24 hours. Which either means that God has really got it in for Chinese mammaries, or, y'know, there might actually be a rational explanation for the unpredictability of earthquakes. (Sidebar topic: why is is that God is always the cause of the unpredictable? Or the disaster? Why isn't it Satan, for instance? Why is it always God's punishment for something, instead of evidence of Satan's ever-increasing power over this sinful vale of tears? Or can Tom Waits be right? Is Satan really just God when he's drunk?)

Personally? If there were any earthquakes yesterday, they were all caused by guys face-planting trees and lamp-posts while staring at hectares of unclothed female flesh. A situation which would occur during MiniSkirtQuake or TankTopQuake or even OhMyGodShe'sLickingHerLipsQuake. And why is this true? Oh dear--didn’t you know? Because men can’t control themselves. They just can’t. You show a guy a knee--a knee, okay?--the ugliest outpost of the female frontier--you can scratch a match off a knee, for Chrissakes--and ten seconds later he’s attacking you like the Greeks attacked Troy. If not physically, then in his head. It's like showing a loophole to an investment banker.

One thing that needs to be clear, though. Guys like that Iranian cleric and (if he was heterosexual) the Pope are not saying that women are the devil. They are saying that women bring out the devil in men. (And God too, if He causes earthquakes over nipple slips.) This is why, in certain areas of the world, the phrase "It's her fault, she was wearing a skirt," is a valid legal defense for just about anything a man can be accused of. Hell--I firmly expect some guy from Goldman Sachs to use that excuse when testifying in front of Congress today.

CONGRESS: So tell us again why you took advantage of your customers?
GOLDMAN: Because they were asking for it.
CONGRESS: Oh well in that case.
GOLDMAN'S CLIENTS: Hey wait a minute!
CONGRESS: Sorry. That's what you get for traipsing around in the financial equivalent of a see-through blouse.
GOLDMAN'S CLIENTS: So wait--it's our fault for making them take advantage of us?
CONGRESS: Yup. You're the girl; they're the guy. Case dismissed, after a slap on the wrist.


Horvendile said...

MORGAN STANLEY: Aw. Lemme give you a hug.

Ladyfish said...

Great. MJW survives Boobquake, and all he got me was this wet t-shirt! yeesh.

Horvendile said...

MJW: Wow! Get a load of Ladyfish in that wet --

[POW! He face plants the Chrysler Building.]

Ladyfish said...

My bad!! I forgot that all male face-planting is women's fault.