Wednesday, April 15, 2009

100 Proof - Matthew's 1Q '09 Liquor Ticker

The Quarterly Report of Matthew's Nightlife for the period 1/1/09 - 3/31/09. Submitted with Auditor's Footnotes:

* The .5 in this total represents not an unfinished pint, which is sacrilege and punishable by the enforced ingestion of a pitcher of Bud Lite, but a full pint which was split with a drinking companion who shall remain nameless, primarily because said companion is still in shock that I actually took notes on what I was drinking as I was drinking.

** This number of Jameson shots includes several which were poured heavy, and at least two which were poured backbreaking. The difference between heavy and backbreaking is the difference between a double shot and a shot whose liquid volume equals the normal pour for a glass of white wine. Although it is not noted above, the same difference holds true for the 3 Patron shots, minus the heavy.

*** Or in other words, to break down by socially-accepted type: Hard Liquor (17), Wine (11), Beer (214.5). This total does not include (a) an unknown number of Jack Daniels shots consumed at Kris’ Farewell Party in February; (b) an unknown number of Guinness pints which were not recorded in my notebook; and (c) 12 late-night pints which I did indeed record, but looked at later and said “That’s impossible!” Silly me.

**** This percentage increase is due to two factors, the Februaries and a surprise Ava visit from Australia. Either way, with alcohol being such a depressant, it’s pretty God damn obvious why Matthew is always so down in the dumps between 2/1 and 2/28.

***** ADPN: Average Drinks Per Night. This is a feeble attempt to convince myself that I am not a lush. Except, of course, in February.

****** Incredibly massive increase due to (a) the Kris Farewell Party (13 drinks); (b) Dave Doobinin Birthday (8 drinks); (c) the Ava Factor (39 drinks in 6 days); and (d) Black Friday, the day they laid off Buddy and Michael (16 drinks in 10 hours).

******* Given the above footnote, an even more feeble attempt to deny the obvious.


Anonymous said...

You ever heard of Bill W.? Ahahahahaha!

I love you, Matthew!!!!!!

From your sister, who can't hold a candle to you in the drinking department, except for that one time over Xmas!

Horvendile said...

Who are you again? (Hic!)

Anonymous said...

The girl who woke up WITHOUT a hangover for a change!

Monica: 1

Matthew: 327,000,000

gw said...

i know that you are a writer and a damn good one but this means you have too much time on your hands. slainte;,