Deciphering New York Subway Announcements

"Due to water on the tracks, the following service lines have been suspended."

If you aren't walking to work by now, you deserve to ride in the next sardine can that hits this station.

"Take the shuttle bus instead."

Walk.

"Due to an incident at 57th Street, all trains are terminating at 42nd Street."

Somebody went postal after trying to get a token booth employee to actually do something besides say the words "Use the Metrocard machine."

"Because of track maintenance, there are service changes this weekend."

Nobody running the L, the G or the E/F feels like working this weekend.

"We're experiencing congestion ahead."

All the other late trains are ahead of us.

"There is a train ahead of us in the station."

We're only rlocal trains right now, and we think you're so stupid that you'll forget that you waited 20 minutes for this one.

"We will be moving shortly."

I hope you brought a big book to read.

"Please be patient."

Like with the doors locked and the train stuck mid-tunnel you can actually do anything about this.

"Thank you for your patience."

Ha ha.

Welcome to Manhattanstan

Thanks to the wrong kind of rain, subways all over New York are experiencing crippling delays when they’re running at all. Pretty much nothing is running to or through lower Manhattan, the lines to get onto buses are like Moscow food lines in the 50’s, and if you can find a street corner that isn’t drowning beneath ankle-deep water, you’re probably in Connecticut.

Word is that the MTA is changing its motto to "No trains when it rains," FEMA is getting ready to declare the city a third-world country, and Bloomberg is passing quality-of-life legislation outlawing wet clothes in the workplace.